10 Reasons to be a Mermaid


1. Ellen Degeneres is a fish. I think we can all agree her performance in Finding Nemo won us all as children. Could you imagine hanging out with a human Dory? Admit it, no one would last too long. Ellen is wonderful, but Krusty Krab takeout and the Dory Show? We're on.

2. Half naked men and clamshell bikinis, all the time. We could be anti-clothing and still be fashionable with a wide variety of shell designs. It'd be eco-friendly, sustainable, and it'd reduce our disgustingly blatant consumerism. Yes please!

3. Algae angels, and instant cleaning after.

4. Free car washes.

5. Everything looks, feels, and sounds better underwater. I'm not sure I'd enjoy soggy bread and cereal, but surely there are alternative. The seafood would be good, and factory farming wouldn't exist.

6. No more pruney fingers! Because by now, the mer people have created a lotion to prevent that.

7. "The human world is a mess."


8. BONUS: Sebastian the Crab.

9. Bubbles. Everyone loves bubbles, right?

10. Water music. (Just not Handel's, water would wreck those violins.)


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